Since we're in the middle of the year, I'd like to inform and tell you how much my life has been changed since I received and sent e-mails, most especially those chain letters.

First of all, I don't go out any more at night as I'm too scared to be picked up by a superb sexy blond who would invite me for a last drink at her place, because she could be an accomplice of the organ robbers. I wouldn't like to wake up lying on my back in an ice-filled bathtub with a missing kidney and a message on the mirror saying "ring emergency or die." It could be true, but I'd rather want to live!

Then, I don't go to the movies anymore because I don't want to catch Aids by sitting on an infected syringe needle. Worse yet, I’ve learned that while you're inside the cinema, some villains would call up your house to say that you've been kidnapped.

I don't answer anymore the phone at home because I don't want to press *9 when asked for fear that I would be paying an exorbitant bill for calls that I didn't even make. On the other hand, I threw away my cell phone because Ericsson would be offering me a new one which I never received. So, I bought another one that I also threw away after I heard the rumor that I could get brain cancer from using it.

I stopped having sexual relationships completely even with condom because there are unscrupulous persons who'd go to the pharmacies to prick holes on them with needles. Also I don't consume canned foods for risk of being poisoned by rats.

At present, I go out on foot all the time because the seats in the public transportations, particularly those of the underground, are highly infected. I contribute all my savings to the organizations that take care of the purchase of a new myocardial for Brian, the treatment for cancer of Rachel Arlington and Jessica Meydec and the search for little Penny Brown who has been lost since 1982. I hope I have helped them a lot by sending messages sponsored by Bill Gates (what a swell guy, this Bill!). I also took in 53 cats to my apartment, at least those which would not be horribly tortured by the butchers of the BonzaiKitten.

My computer is now highly protected against all possible and what-have-you-not viruses such as Grenouilles Budweiser, Sulfnbk.exe. and other Buddylst.sip. In fact, I equipped it with McAfee and Norton. Every year, I buy the new versions of anti-virus that are recommended by the companies that are manufacturing them.

My lawyer has already received my testament in which I bequeath all my worldly belongings to a charitable institution (a non-profit making one) that would take charge of giving $1 to every battered Pakistani wife.

I also sent to Mary Robinson (the Red Cross High Commissioner to the UN) a list of all my relatives, friends, neighbors and acquaintances, whom I'm sure would all help on the plight of the Afghan women.

I'm still waiting for the $120,000 that AOL and Microsoft owed me for having duly sent their messages. And furthermore, I'm always waiting for my latest model of Ericsson, free of charge of course!

On the other hand, I'm also waiting to receive the $10 million and the Porsche GT4, as well as the sulfurous evening in the company of Jennifer Lopez.

I believe to all of these because they're the three wishes I made before forwarding the magic Totem Tantra that I was too fortunate to receive directly from the Dalai Lama.

The fact that none of my wishes came true, I believe now that there was a message I forgot to send for being the reason why a misfortune must have befallen on me.

DON'T BE INFLUENCED BY E-MAILS: send immediately this message to 6700 persons in the 12 seconds that follow, otherwise the Devil would appear right behind you in the shower the moment you bend down to pick up the soap.

¶ 8:54 PM