In the Chinese horoscope, the Pig is Yin and is the twelfth sign in the astrological chart.
It represents individuals that are strong, warm, loving, sensual, honest and often rich who show off their love of luxury. They indulge themselves to eating too much that makes them love good food and haute cuisine because they are always hungry. They are not eloquent for which reason they would likely lean toward taciturnity. In general, they could be so extremely nervous that they would hit the ceiling so fast with the most impressive rages. They are so nice and generous that others would take advantage of. They seek out security as a defense against hardships but they are sincere and straight forward. They show a keen interest in culture and knowledge and even go out of their way to set up trust funds to assist amateur orchestra and theater groups.
Wikipedia notes that according to customary superstition, the Pig type is usually an honest, straightforward and patient person. They are a modest, shy character who prefers to work quietly behind the scenes. When others despair, they are often there to offer support. This type of person is reserved with those they do not know too well, but as time passes and they gain confidence, those around them may discover a lively and warm-hearted person behind that mask of aloofness. Despite those born in the year of pig having a wide circle of friends and acquaintances, they have few close friends who understand them and share their inner thoughts and feelings. It is easy to put trust in pig type; they won't let you down and will never even attempt to do so. Such people simply want to do everything right according to social norms.
Also according to customary superstition, these people are not vengeful creatures. If someone tries to take advantage of them, the pig-type tend to withdraw to reflect on the problem and protect themselves. All they need in such situations is a little time to find a constructive way to respond. The people of the pig type are conservative creatures of habit. They dislike being made to travel too far from familiar surroundings, unless it is a trip to the countryside. They love nature and are never happier than when they are out somewhere, far from the city.
There is a tolerant and peaceful side to the character of Pig types. Such people are never afraid to allow others their freedom of expression; they do not want to cause arguments and if there is any way to avoid arguing, they will probably take this option. They are not weak, however, and if the situation forces them to fight these people will rise to the occasion, whether it is to defend themselves or those close to them. People of the Boar type are the most admired by others.
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!
ALL BLUE
"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"
HORRIBLE DEATHS
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty
busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the
fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out
onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
APPLES AND
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her
grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But
you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
TWO OLD PENSIONERS
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a singlesecond. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
ARIES.
This is particularly a fortunate period which promises help and assistance from superiors. Love will be very much on your mind and there is also the possibility of personal gain through a liaison with a member of the opposite sex. This need not necessarily be the person with whom you are conducting a serious relationship – although it could quite well be.
TAURUS.
This is a happy and trouble-free period of your life when you can afford to relax and simply enjoy what life has to offer. Your family and friends will play an active role in your affairs during this phase when there should be many social functions to which you will be invited. The keywords here are entertainment, enjoyment and friendly company.
GEMINI.
Your best advice is to keep a low profile. Keep your head well down and do nothing. If however you decide to ignore this warning, you should be prepared for disappointment, failure, interference and screwed-up plans.
CANCER. You would be well advised to keep your wits about you. Friends could show themselves in their true colors during this phase – their treachery and deception will be a great disappointment to you. A member of the opposite sex could also cause you some uneasiness. Provided that you keep your eyes and ears open you should emerge from this temporary period relatively unscathed.
LEO. You should be able to sit back a little and really enjoy your achievements. You could always use this breathing space to plan what your next move should be. Your private life should also settle down during this phase and the need to be continually proving yourself to your partner should gradually fade away, leaving you a more relaxed person.
VIRGO.
Life should be full of rewards for past efforts plus the chance of lucky accidents thrown in for good measure.
LIBRA. There is bound to be a tremendous amount going on around you with much coming and going of people, ideas and objects. An important matter which has been subject to delays in the past should now speed up and reach a pleasing conclusion. Communications and travel will be highlighted during this period so be sure to watch out for important new contacts on the way.
SCORPIO.
Love is once again your prime concern. There is also a holiday feeling about this particular period and foreign travel is highly likely. Generally this could be a happy time which you should spend in the company of your family, friends and loved ones whenever possible.
SAGITTARIUS.
You should be feeling extremely happy and confident. Many people choose to marry, set up home or start their family while others change job or move home. The three most important keywords for this period are change, happiness and love, in any order.
CAPRICORN.
You should try to practice economy whenever possible and store away any plans for the future until matters pick again and your circumstances improve.
AQUARIUS. You are almost certain to acquire a few extra responsibilities from which you can expect no immediate release. These may tend to cramp your style but when the burden is finally lifted it should herald the beginning of a new and improved phase of your life. Be patient!
PISCES.
Family gatherings are indicated and as happiness is also highlighted during this period these get-togethers will most probably be weddings, christenings or anniversary parties. Your private life should be so stress-free and settled that you may even feel inclined to start making new, rather ambitious plans for the future.
